T-minus 13 days until my birthday. The big 21. This is the first birthday I'm not looking forward too.
I don't want to turn 21, it seems so adult-ish which may sound dramatic as it is not actually THAT old, however the thought of turning 21 makes my heart race and not in an excited way. A kind of terrified, watching-Carlisle-"die"-in-the-last-twilight-film sort of way.
I know why I feel this way. I am unfulfilled. I am still not 100% sure about my current uni situation re: Going back and trying again (Although I have made great progress in my decision making)
I haven't found what I want to do but I have found what I don't want to do which I suppose is good in its own way. I don't want to write another post about me feeling 'lost' or 'clueless' so I'll leave it at that.
I guess the question is: What should we have accomplished by 21?
A degree?
A job?
Personal happiness?
A committed relationship?
I really don't know. What I do know is that a feeling of regret has come over me. Make of that what you will.
Despite my aversion toward turning 21, I am throwing a celebration which should be fun! I've made sure to invite friends who have made an impact on my life including both old and new friends.
I've invited some friends from work. I like the people I work with and I thought a birthday celebration would be the perfect opportunity to hang out in a non-work setting. I seem dumb at work because I ask so many questions and I am not as quick as picking things up as the others are. And as a result, I think I annoy people.
I get concerned asking people who are from groups. If one person in the group doesn't go, its likely less of them will which is seriously disappointing.
Fingers crossed everyone invited can make it (I know not all of them will, but I like to remain positive) I've been having a bad time lately and I am hoping this celebration can lift my spirits.
I'm really appreciative of my Mum who has been so helpful in locating a function space. I can be pretty picky and become frustrated and irritable. She never takes what I say personally and will continue to help me even when I am being unreasonable. She's too good for this world.
You know else is invited to my celebration?
My close acquaintance: Anxiety!
I'm having some anxiety about this party
What if nobody shows up?
What if people show up and leave really early?
What if people don't like it?
What if nobody likes me and I'm inviting people who are only nice to my face and then talk about me behind my back? especially the people from work. How humiliating if nobody likes me and I'm the running joke in the workplace.
What if people don't dance? I need to boogie my troubles away
What if anything and everything goes wrong?
What if people don't enjoy the music?
These are the questions that make my stomach turn and cause me to have second thoughts about celebrating my birthday at all. That's the not-so-fun part.
I'm renting out a space in a pub that is central to everyone I've invited. It has an oldish look which I'm not thrilled about but I know for a fact that I can make it work. I know I haven't made much of an impact in anyones lives but I have been told by my parents and best friend that they will be making speeches which I am very appreciative of.
It stresses me out that people take forever to respond to an event. Please I beg everyone put me out of my misery and just answer 'going' or 'not going'. Thank you! xo
In addition to this gathering, I will be going to the Gold Coast for a weekend away with my three best friends. I'm sure we'll have a blast!
I had a cold this week which sucked but actually went away quite quickly and I can't really complain, at least it wasn't covid. The part that really sucked was that I had to reschedule my photoshoot that were suppose to take place on Friday. Nobody would want to hire a girl who had snot dripping out of her nose in her headshots. I'm excited to have these headshots taken but I just hope they can airbrush out the imperfections found on my face. I'll be getting those done in about two weeks and fingers crossed I can get some acting work (as a background actor of course. No spotlight for me please)
And I almost forgot, I got my L's!!! I cannot believe that I am allowed to learn how to drive and I am so thankful to do it before I turn 21. I'll explain in a seperate post why I have waited this long to get a license but for now, I'm just going to celebrate with myself.
Sarah