I've lost my Sarahtonin

Lately, I haven't been feeling very Sarahtonin.

I've felt directionless after uni

I'm feeling disconnected from those around me and things that used to make me happy

I've lost confidence

I've become extremely insecure.

I've built my little corner of the internet around being bubbly, optimistic and generally finding something to laugh about. And the thing is, that is me. Most of the time, anyway.

But sometimes I slump.

Sometimes I get sad.

Sometimes I get angry.

Sometimes I make decisions I regret.

That's being human after all.

I went back and forth on whether I wanted to write this post because it feels far more personal than what I usually share. But then I remembered what this blog was always supposed to be: Honest and real.

You know the movie Legally Blonde?

It's genuinely one of my favourite movies, and lately I've been feeling a bit like Elle Woods on her first day at Harvard.

She gets into the school she's spent months working towards, only to discover she's completely out of her depth. She struggles in class. She embarrasses herself. She realises the love of her life is engaged to somebody else. The future she imagined for herself disappears almost instantly. She's crushed.

Now, I don't relate to every aspect personally, but I do relate to the emotional spiral she seems to go through.

Not the Harvard Law part. Not the ex-boyfriend getting engaged part.

Just the general feeling of standing in the middle of your life thinking, "Well, this isn't quite how I pictured things going."

That's been hitting a little close to home lately.

I've taken rejections. I've watched plans fall apart. I've compared myself to people who seem to be moving through life with so much more certainty than I have. And while none of it is particularly catastrophic on its own, it all adds up.

I know it's "character building."

I know there are people dealing with far bigger problems than mine.

I know everything probably will work out eventually.

But right now, none of those things make me feel any better.

Because my feelings are my feelings. They're real, regardless of whether somebody else has it worse.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying to talk myself out of being sad. Trying to find the lesson, the silver lining, the funny story I'll eventually turn it into.

But maybe not everything needs to be reframed immediately.

Lately, I've developed this irrational fear that nobody wants to be around me anymore.

That I'm annoying.

That I've somehow become too much.

Too loud. Too emotional. Too needy. Too something.

And before anyone says it, yes, I know it's irrational.

I know my friends love me.

I know they're some of the best people I've ever met.

I know I won't wake up tomorrow and discover everyone has secretly formed an anti-Sez committee behind my back.

But can somebody please tell that to my brain?

Because for some reason, I can't shake this feeling that everyone is just pretending to like me.

My anxiety has completely skyrocketed lately too.

Things that I would've brushed off six months ago now send me into a spiral.

A delayed reply.

A slight change in someone's tone.

A mistake at work.

A plan changing unexpectedly.

A weird interaction that nobody else will remember in five minutes but I'll somehow replay in my head seventeen times before bed.

I know for a fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

And while things feel a little heavy right now, I know they won't feel this way forever.

As much as I love the happy ending in Legally Blonde, I can't be Elle Woods right now.

I need to be Miley Stewart in Hannah Montana The Movie.

The version of Miley who takes a step back, reconnects with herself, gains some perspective and remembers what matters.

I don't have everything figured out.

I don't know exactly what the next chapter looks like.

But I do know that this version of me isn't permanent.

So for now, I'm giving myself permission to slow down, be a little kinder to myself, and trust that I'll find my Sarahtonin again.

Sez