Here it is...25 years old

In 3 days I will be turning 25. I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to embrace it. I want to completely ignore that I am halfway to 50 with no career prospects, no relationship, and no clue in general.

Nonetheless I am surrounded by people who do want to celebrate me turning such a significant age, which is a good problem to have I suppose and believe it or not, I am actually thankful for it. We'll be hitting the RSL on Thursday for Parks and Recreation trivia which should be good fun. Its not a bad way to celebrate and it'll be with a small group and who doesn't love a pub feed??

I wish I wasn't so pessimistic about ageing but its really one thing that I can't get past. I am such a positive soul but for some reason turning a year older always makes my stomach churn and makes me sweat. I mean I do know the reason why I guess. I will never feel that I have accomplished enough which is actually pretty sad now that I think about it. The thing is though, I have accomplished things but I have such high expectations for myself that I fall into a pit of despair when I don't reach them. This has 100% been a consistent theme on this blog and as you can tell, nothing has changed.

I constantly want myself to be better. I want to look better, I want to be better at writing, I want to make better life choices and I don't know just be better I guess.

I'm sorry that i'm such a negative nelly today and I hope my personal apprehension to ageing doesn't make you feel the same way because ageing is honestly a wonderful thing. It's a bit of a dark thought but think about all those people who didn't get the chance to age.

Enough with the wallowing in despair. I'm gonna end on a high note. I was looking through my time capsule and found a picture book my sister made me for my 17th birthday. The photos she used and the words she wrote really brought me to tears. She said to never underestimate who I am and I shouldn't be afraid to fly. I cried because I haven't lived up to those words. I do underestimate myself and I do hold back. I'm anxious about what will happen if I give things 100% and fail. On the positive side, looking back on the photos was a reminder of how much i've grown in so many ways and I could've never predicted some of the things that life has thrown my way. I couldn't help but smile at 16 year old Sez with braces, frizzy hair and pimples, for she was so unaware of what life was going to give her, both the good and the bad.

Honestly, this aversion to ageing? I just need to cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. I need to be thankful for the life I have and that I get to celebrate another year of living it.

Sez