I'm a serious people pleaser and I'm not talking a little apologising here and there, I'm talking making myself unwell because I can't say no.
Psychology suggests that 'people pleasing' is the result of insecurity and low self-esteem, and they're not wrong. I am maybe one of the most insecure people known to mankind. I'm talking beyond being self-conscious about my looks, I'm also self conscious about the decisions I make, always second guessing myself.
My people pleasing has become an obvious issue of late. I can't explain it but I have a pathological need to be liked and needed. Its a problem that has progressively gotten worse over the past few years and I don't know whats caused it. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway, my point is I have no spine, I can't cancel things, and I can't say no to anything.
I guess 'Why?' is the primary question here.
I have the answer and I know this may sound silly and dramatic but stay with me here, I feel if I say no I might start losing friends and others around me. Nobody wants to hang out with someone who constantly ditches or flakes on plans (sometimes even when they have a good reason) and of course I want people to hang out with me.
I was really sick for about two weeks and normal people usually rest and stay in bed until the illness is cured. Not me. I had said yes to events and gatherings prior to me falling ill and I felt as if I would let people down if I didn't go. So you know what I did? I went. There's nothing more embarrassing than meeting new people when you have a cough so loud it could wake the dead and a nose as runny as ice cream on a hot day, but of course I put on a brave face and continued my nights out. It got worse. After this infection, I developed Parotitis (Don't worry it wasn't contagious thank god) and it was hideous. If you don't know what parotitis is, essentially a large bump grows on your face and makes you appear like you had an allergic reaction to Botox. For all you Brooklyn nine nine fans out there, I looked the same as when Jake and Holt had the mumps. It was not a pretty sight but at least I wasn't contagious.
Despite my condition, I continued to 'not let people down' and ventured off to fulfill the commitments I had made. Overall, the month of June was not ideal. Don't get me wrong there were still great times for sure but I just wish I could've engaged in them because I felt well and I wanted too rather than feeling like I had no other choice. I would also like to remind anyone who's reading this to take care of your body. I mean it when I say I regret the way I handled things and I wish I listened to my mum and my best friend who thought I was crazy for going out when I did. Pushing yourself can do more harm than good and I think people don't appreciate that enough.
I've met a lot of new people in the past few months which has been great. I'm normally good at meeting new people and i'm the kind of person to approach first but I haven't done it in so long that I forgot that it can trigger feelings of anxiousness.
I'm an extroverted person who finds conversation primarily easy and over the years its become a very useful skill. Even when I go to a party where I don't know anyone, I am able to create a conversation naturally and perhaps would have a new friend by the end of the night. I am yet to come across someone who I don't like which is wonderful. They've all been very nice, welcoming, and chatty which is what makes making friends possible. I look forward to hopefully progressing with these new connections and continue to meet new and friendly people.
I've got a few trips planned, each at a different stage of planning so let me start again. I've got one trip planed that looks like it will actually happen, and like three more trips that everyone says 'Oh my god yes we have to do that!' and then three more that are more likely going to happen than not. I would love to go on another road trip to another town just like last years trip to Port Macquarie. We've talked about it and developed a list of possible towns we could hit so fingers crossed this idea gets off the ground. A quick Melbourne trip has been spoken about recently and I really really hope that happens. Melbourne looks really cute and I would love to go!
Sezzy
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